I'm getting married soon. I am also a curvy girl who likes to emotionally eat a little too much. So, I'm a curvy girl. I refer to my belly as my "pudge pudge" and my love handles as my "churros". My mom loves to tell the story of when I came running into her bedroom when I was about 14 and exclaimed "Look, mom! I have CURVES!" She also likes to tell the story about how I announced I would be a "real woman" when I could enjoy spicy foods (accordingly, I have been a real woman for about 10 years), but that's another post.
After college, I have watched my weight slowly creep up, and my activity level, and metabolism, steadily creep down. I have never liked two things: a scale and a diet. Judging my body and self worth based on numbers is like standard testing in schools for evaluating a teacher's ability: they are not accurate. Being a great lover of food, limiting my intake or type of foods I love is a punishment rather than life change. I don't hate myself, so why would I punish myself?
I eat pretty well. Its not all fried foods, bacon and Twinkies. Vegetables get there most of the time. Pasta sauce is a vegetable, right? Fruit? Juice is a fruit, right? I get tired, stressed, upset, sad, angry, forgetful, distracted and I get CRAZY hungry so I will eat whatever is in sight. Sometimes I get CRAZY moody and I eat everything in sight. And so, I don't feel to positive about my body. And I want to feel good about being me, especially for my wedding and beyond.
While doing some self help reading (my guilty pleasure) several years back, I did an exercise looking at my emotional eating. I made two lists: one where I listed all the food that, when I eat it, makes me feel happy and without any guilt or regret; Olives, cherries, avocados, zucchini, herb salad, salmon and mushrooms were on the list.
Then I made a list of all the things I eat to try and make myself feel better but ended up making me feel worse (emotionally) after; Fried chicken, cheese and bread, wine, burgers, fries (I think fries was on there twice), Thai food, pasta.
I then looked in my cupboards and fridge. I had NONE of the foods that made me happy anywhere in my apartment. Lightbulb! I made a point of buying the foods that made me happy. But, then I got into a great relationship with my now fiance, and I was less lonely, but still periodically overly emotional (pun intended) and I stopped consistently eating my "happy" foods.
More recently, my boss was talking about a nutritional program called Whole30 that she was doing and she LOVED it. I also heard terms like "paleo" and "diet". No thanks. But, I checked it out anyway, for giggles.
As I read Dallas and Melissa's website, I found their Whole30/Whole9 message really resonated with me. All the foods I had on my "happy" list were on THEIR list! I was brilliant way back then, but I did not have the knowledge or "sciene-y" information to back it up.
I decided then and there, starting with the next meal I have, to follow the Whole30 plan. Thirty days of no sugar (natural or additional or synthetic), grains (bread pasta, rice), dairy (clarified butter or ghee are acceptable), I had not even read their book, It Starts With Food yet. So, I was a bit unprepared, meal planning wise.
But I made it. After a cocky first two weeks I struggled intensely on day 15 with bread and sugar cravings. Even up to day 30 I was craving things like Chex mix and ramen noodles.
Now, 32 days after starting I am trying it again. This time with adding the goals of increasing my activity levels (and exercise), committing to getting 8 hours of sleep a night (no more sleep deprivation due to wedding prep), conquering my cravings monster (or at least having the levelheadedness to tell it "Sit! Down! Stay! Good cravings". This time with Whole30's daily newsletter with tips and cheerleading. One bit that I really related to in the first newsletter (for day 0) was this:
"Setting a specific goal gives you clarity on whether you are living up
against what you committed yourself to do when you first set your
goal.This accountability is accountability to yourself, not anyone else.
When you stay accountable toward your goals, you are in fact staying
true to your desires."
I have always had a problem of self sabotage. I'll say "I'm going to do this!" Then, when I do what ever it is (usually going to the gym, cutting out french fires, etc.), I whine "I don't wanna do this". "But you said you would do this, so do it." "No, I don't wanna" (if you can guess by now, my saboteur voice is a whiny teenager. Why? Because I can never reason with her, no one understands her and she is always right). I remind myself about all the good reasons why I want to do this, I should do this... to no avail. The teenager flatly refuses and so the reasonable me says "well, you're an adult and can make your own decisions, so, okay".
Yep.
After which I am filled with self anger and self loathing. How can I let that nasty inner voice win? Every time.
Not this time. I am going to stay true to MY desires. So, shut your face, nasty voice. Momma's in charge.
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